Welcome: A Pre- and Perinatal Principle for Life

Every baby needs and wants to be welcomed. This need continues throughout our lives, particularly if it hasn’t been well met in the beginning.

To really understand this, we need to consider when “the beginning” is. Most babies are welcomed once they are born unless they are abandoned or given up for adoption or fostering, or their parent(s) are ill or die.

Little ones may not be able to feel their parents’ welcome if conditions create separation, over-stimulation or other intolerable situations for a newborn baby. Even if these conditions are lifesaving, they can be shocking or overwhelming for the baby, and often for the parents who are intending to welcome the new member of their family.

Long before birth, other beginnings occur. The moment of discovery of the pregnancy is an especially significant one. For babies who are completely dependent on their parents’ welcome and protection, any sense that one or both parents, particularly the mother-figure, is ambivalent or rejecting, is appropriately terrifying and shocking.

There may be very valid reasons for a mother to be considering abortion or adoption or questioning her ability to parent at this time, but, for the little one, this translates as rejection. Rejection further translates as deepest danger.

My clients and students remembering this time have reported trying to stay as small as possible to prevent being discovered. They may have tried to be as still and quiet as possible to avoid disturbing their mother, if , for example, they sensed their mother was stressed and not resourced enough to welcome and protect them.

It may be shocking for you to read that anyone can remember this time of life but those of us who work somatically find that our bodies hold memories of these early times, even though we may not remember them consciously.

In modern Western culture, we tend to not even consider a life to truly begin until birth. Parents often tell me that they are looking forward to becoming parents when their baby is born. I see things quite differently. I believe that people become parents the moment they consider having a child.

Pre-Birth Welcome

The pre-conception stage of development begins long before birth. The sperm and egg develop within the parents and are exposed to the biochemical conditions within the parents. These are affected by the parents’ cultural surroundings. Is there stress? Is there war? Is there drought causing starvation? Is there support from a warm, loving family? Are the parents still teenagers and not ready to become parents? Is there chronic stress and danger due to racism? We now know that genes are turned on and off in response to the environment and experiences of parents and even grandparents. This is called epigenetics.

When the sperm enters the egg, there is another potential experience of welcome or not. The experience of implanting in the uterine wall five to seven days after conception may also be one of welcome or struggle.

Acknowledgement and Repair

Acknowledging that we or our children may have difficult experiences on our way to birth is a first step towards repair. It is never too late to offer welcome.

How can we welcome ourselves? How can we communicate welcome to a child that has not felt this before, or has not felt it enough?

It is not unusual for adoptive parents who are excited to receive a baby to celebrate the little one’s arrival. This is important. But often the baby is still in shock and grief at having lost their mother, the person they have been so close to for nine months. Without acknowledging what has happened and giving space for emotions associated with the loss and sudden transition to a new family, the baby may be too distraught to be able to take in how their new parents are celebrating them.

Babies need to be celebrated in the beginning, at the time of discovery of their existence. If they have missed that, they need a chance to express how they feel about it. This may include feelings of fear, anger or even terror or rage.

The Principle of Welcome

Welcome is the first of a series of principles developed by my dear mentor Ray Castellino for establishing and maintaining safety and trust in somatic prenatal and birth therapy. To me, welcome means both offering the kind of welcome to ourselves and to each other that every baby needs and may not have experienced, and also welcoming each moment.

Welcoming all that is in every moment is a basic mindfulness practice. It isn’t always easy, but it is generally helpful.

I consider the principle of welcome these days as our world seems to be changing daily. How do we welcome political changes we find appalling? How do we welcome war? How do we welcome climate change with its fires and floods? And pandemics? And, and, and…

It may seem impossible to welcome every moment. It may not even seem like a good idea. I find it helpful to consider different aspects of welcome.

Welcome includes an aspect of acknowledging what is. It also includes a potential for curiosity. What is this? How does this feel in my body? I may not like what is happening, but with curiosity, it can become interesting rather than just stressful.

This same approach can support us in welcoming the little one within ourselves or others who may be still longing for the welcome they never experienced back then in the womb, or at birth, or later. I can approach my inner little one with a sense of curiosity. Who is this? How do I sense them? Do I sense them in my body somewhere? Maybe in my heart? How does it feel? If I were able to offer this little one something, what would it be? How might I do this?

Parenting, Forgiveness and Repair

If you are reading this as a parent, it is never too late to also offer this attitude of welcome to yourself. You may be reading about the little one’s need for welcome and feel guilty that you weren’t able to offer it to them as you would have wished back then. Can you try to welcome that feeling? Can you offer welcome, maybe love, to that feeling of guilt? Can you recognize that you did the best you could at the time, and can you begin to forgive yourself? Then, repair with your child becomes possible. You probably need to do it with yourself first.

Acknowledge how it was, how you were, and forgive yourself. Then, with your clearer, fuller heart, you can offer something different to your child. You can let them know how sorry you are that you weren’t able to welcome them as you wish you could. You can let them know how much you love them and are happy they are in your life. You can practice inviting and welcoming their feelings about it all.

Listening. Welcoming. Being present with. Curiosity. Welcome.

As I practice this principle in my life in our world today, I find myself deepening into compassionate being. I wish this for all of us.